It’s probably been a long time since you’ve been bleeding out and surrounded by the enemy and thought “Man, I could really use a turkey leg right about now!”.  Instead in modern games you might take cover behind a dumpster where after a few seconds you’d watch your shields or health automatically recover in a display of space age voodoo.  Many of us fondly remember the times where this was not the case.  A time where the blood that pumped through our veins was entirely powered by food items that burst freely from walls, barrels, ceiling tiles and on occasion even ripped straight from the flesh of your enemies.

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I don’t care where it came from, I’m eating it

It is a tragedy that our modern day heroes can no longer enjoy the collection of flavors essential to a balanced diet.  Pizza pies, turkey legs, pot roasts, soda pop, cheeseburgers and all of life’s finer delicacies are nowhere to be found in modern video games.  Health pickups in general are quickly becoming a thing of the past and so is flavor.  Not just the flavor of the previously listed food items, but also the flavor of creativity.  Food items were silly and silliness no longer has a place in most modern games.

As games steadily became more realistic creativity steadily deteriorated.  Video game characters transitioned from a common theme of animals or aliens into just regular ass people.  I see enough regular ass people everyday, I don’t need to see more of them in games.  Silly elements like food items to consume for health became pills, health packs and bandages.  When the environment looks real and convincing, so must everything inside of it.  While it used to be a challenge to achieve realism, I now believe the opposite to be true.  It is now a challenge to achieve designs of the imagination while still creating modern, sleek looking graphics.  Ultimately this has resulted in most big budget games lacking inspiration.  It is why the things I loved about older games are becoming extinct.

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Slam down a couple soda pops at the end of each level to regain health the honest way.

Realistic graphics are not the only reason for this unfortunate extinction, hand-holding is also to blame.  Instead of having to confuse players by throwing a turkey leg on their screen where they might think “Woah!  What the heck does this do, I’m so confused I better go look up some cheat codes!” Games now prefer to make things more simple for those among us who are a bit slower in the noodle.  Instead of having health pick-ups or even power ups spread around the map, players now have automatically regenerating health and don’t have to worry about anything except for pointing and clicking on the bad guys.

Combine the shift toward overly simple one-dimensional design with the bull-headed focus placed on realism and we’ve got a recipe for hot diarrhea volcano cake.  There’s simply no room for creativity or silliness in the modern design approach which leaves no room for our beloved food items.  It’s not too late to change this trend.  One day after video games finally climax and achieve realistic graphics we may see a shift back toward more creative design.  We’ll see a new generation of Earthworm Jims, BattleToads, Rocket Knights and Radical Rex’s and they’ll come bearing all kinds of delicious snacks for us to behold.

Until then I’ll continue trying to stomach this diarrhea volcano cake set before me, but I won’t be happy about it.

About The Author

Luke

I'm into massive multiplayer online gaming communities. My online alter ego is 18 feet tall and has wings like an angels, but also like a demons. His name is Yogzula. Yogzula can fuck anything and he will and has. Women. Devils. Angels. Animals. If you meet me online by Grub's tavern, I will show you where the treasure is hidden.

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