Furled within Nintendo’s latest Smash Bros. is an online variation called For Glory: Teams. It is in and of itself a confounding and frustrating part of the Smash universe. FGT, as it will henceforth be known here, can be both the best time you’ll ever have with your friends and a dark glimpse of the hell mouth. Some of the creatures that spill out into FGT would be right at home in your most persistent of nightmares.

Your experience in FGT is entirely determined by the opponents you draw randomly from Smash 4’s crude matchmaking system. Will we land on a pair of subhuman, projectile-spamming cretins who would love nothing more than to win in the most infuriating and dishonorable way possible? Will we find ourselves fighting some genuinely good players who push us to improve while having a lot of fun playing? What about a pair of scrubs who are legitimately trying to play the right way but getting styled on over and over as you and your partner high five and completely outclass them? The fun starts when you realize you’re profiling these randoms the moment they join your lobby.

I found that after several marathons of FGT sessions with my good friend, Luke “Yogzula” VanTrieste, we had both begun to make assumptions about the kind of players we were about to face.

mii-820x420

Dude second from the left is trouble.

“Look at that smug little nerd. I bet he’s spammy.”

“Oh my God I hate this guy’s face already I wanna CRUSH it.”

“This kid looks like he’s less than 13 years old. Prepare for double Ness.”

I would say we had a very good hit rate on this profiling, too. More often than not, our first impressions of new opponents were spot on. The variables we couldn’t account for were actual skill and effectiveness. For instance, you never know if the smug-looking troll-faced Mii is going to be easily dealt with, or so adept at evading damage and KOs that snorting heaping piles of pixie stick dust until you have a brain aneurism seems like a viable alternative to playing against them.

“Would you just look at this kid. That kid is a meme lord if I’ve ever seen one. I’m going to body this guy until he quits.”

“Black people are good at Smash. All of them. We’re going to get worked by these gentlemen.”

Our assumptions were, unfortunately, predominantly negative. This is because the heart of the problem is so clear and simple: team attack is off and there are no stocks. Of course, if you play Smash 4 online you already know this. In the competitive Smash scene, 2v2 is deep and compelling. It’s great to watch top players team up and explore the options that having a teammate can present. The key being that teammates have to be careful not to hit each other and air/roll dodging around the stage to avoid taking a KO while the timer counts down isn’t usually a thing. Team attack is on and stocks are set in real 2v2 sets.

super-smash-bros-for-wii-u-rules-menu

I’ve always believed that Smash is capable of bringing out the worst in everyone. In such a case, Nintendo shoulders some of the blame. FGT still has no team attack, and that certainly isn’t encouraging the majority of its online player base to act with even a modicum of self-respect. As I said, Smash 4’s online team mode is bursting with projectile hurling clown frauds. The inability to cause any damage to your teammate comes with it the advantage granted to Smash trolls who can throw out every ranged weapon they have without fear of slowing each other up.

FGT is literally oozing with dodgy Link players. Imagine a character with 3 different sets of unlimited projectiles. He can nail you with them at any position on the stage. Now give him the skills to throw out lingering, sprawling hit boxes with startlingly good knock back. He doesn’t have to worry about hitting his teammate because reasons. Can you see why now?

If you play projectile-spamming characters in Smash 4, I’d like you to stop doing that. I want you to join a gym and specifically focus on leg strength. Then, pick up your stupid Wii U and punt it out the window so it can’t hurt anyone anymore. I want you practice your punting technique with NFL legend, Ray Guy, so you can kick that piece of shit into orbit. I mean it.

Screw For Glory: Teams.

One Response

  1. Luke
    Luke "Yogzula" VanTrieste

    It’s amazing how negligent Nintendo has been on the matter too. They just don’t give a shit. Why create a ‘for glory’ mode if you aren’t going to even be somewhat reasonable about creating a competitive ruleset? They were spot on with 1v1, why the complete and utter neglect of 2v2?

    Here’s how you win 2v2. Pick characters that are fast and have projectiles. The more lingering smash attacks they have with high kill potential the better your chances are. Spam smashes, projectiles and roll. The best defensive is a good offense. Throw hitboxes around like you’re a nazi manning a mounted gatling gun overlooking the beaches of Normandy. If you play that way, there’s basically no difference. You’ll go to hell for your sins.

    Reply

Leave a Reply to Luke "Yogzula" VanTrieste Cancel Reply

Your email address will not be published.